Portal
Got Any Grapes
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartenders says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
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Purple Monkey
A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.
The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.
Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.
The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"
The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.
=============================================
You Know You're Growing Older When
- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You join a health club and don't go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
=======================================
Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).
======================================
Fast Drinker
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. T
he bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
=======================================
Named Drink
A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.
The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"
=========================================
A Writer's Allowed to Choose
A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.
The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.
"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."
In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.
"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."
=======================================
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartenders says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
=======================================
Purple Monkey
A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.
The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.
Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.
The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"
The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.
=============================================
You Know You're Growing Older When
- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You join a health club and don't go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
=======================================
Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).
======================================
Fast Drinker
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. T
he bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
=======================================
Named Drink
A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.
The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"
=========================================
A Writer's Allowed to Choose
A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.
The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.
"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."
In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.
"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."
=======================================
