Portal
No Eared Interview
A guy walks in for his interview. The man who's interviewing him has no ears.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears. He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."
================================
Things Mom Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."
and my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.. then you'll see what it's like."
==================================================
Simple Prank
Simply get a new bar of soap and paint it with clear nail varnish.
Let it dry and place it out to be used.
============================================
The Exam
A student reported for the University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
The student takes a seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes out a coin, starts flipping it and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Using this inspired technique, within half an hour the student is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, the student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what's going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour," the student replies, "But, I'm rechecking my answers!!"
=====================================
Angry Neighbor
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in.
A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is!" the neighbor replied. "My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
===========================================
Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "Watch", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "F'gosh sakes, you idiot, it's 2am in the blankety-blank morning!"
============================================
Makes You Think
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
======================================
The Getaway
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
========================================
Truisms
- Always give 100% at work - 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
- For Sale - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
- One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
- Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.
- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
- West Virginia ..... Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
======================================
With a Little Help From Our Friends
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
============================================
Signs You're Part of the Modern Age
- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
- You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
- Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
- You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
- Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
- You hear most of your jokes via ezines instead of in person.
===========================================
Government Workers Reality
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.
- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
- Appearance is more important than substance.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
- Art involves a white board and dry markers.
- The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
- Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
- Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.
- You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
=====================================
A guy walks in for his interview. The man who's interviewing him has no ears.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears. He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."
================================
Things Mom Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."
and my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.. then you'll see what it's like."
==================================================
Simple Prank
Simply get a new bar of soap and paint it with clear nail varnish.
Let it dry and place it out to be used.
============================================
The Exam
A student reported for the University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
The student takes a seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes out a coin, starts flipping it and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Using this inspired technique, within half an hour the student is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, the student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what's going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour," the student replies, "But, I'm rechecking my answers!!"
=====================================
Angry Neighbor
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in.
A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is!" the neighbor replied. "My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
===========================================
Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "Watch", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "F'gosh sakes, you idiot, it's 2am in the blankety-blank morning!"
============================================
Makes You Think
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
======================================
The Getaway
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
========================================
Truisms
- Always give 100% at work - 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
- For Sale - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
- One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
- Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.
- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
- West Virginia ..... Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
======================================
With a Little Help From Our Friends
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
============================================
Signs You're Part of the Modern Age
- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
- You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
- Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
- You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
- Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
- You hear most of your jokes via ezines instead of in person.
===========================================
Government Workers Reality
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.
- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
- Appearance is more important than substance.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
- Art involves a white board and dry markers.
- The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
- Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
- Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.
- You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
=====================================
